I'm not sure why I'm writing this, maybe I felt led to. Maybe I'm writing to help sort through my thoughts. Nevertheless, I wanted to share my thoughts on living through loss.
I heard from my mom that when a child is born and brought to life, and even before their birth, a family dreams about this child's life; they imagine the child growing up, playing sports, dancing ballet, becoming Valedictorian, and student body president. They imagine all the perfect lives their child will touch. They pray about the child's future spouse and the life that will happen because of this new one.
I also heard that when a child is found out to be disabled, something dies. This idea of the perfect child dies. So do a few dreams. So do a few hopes.
I know that it's not only the parents that have to suffer a loss. The siblings have to suffer a loss, too.
I remember how hard this past year has been. I remember when my mom had to leave so that we could bring home a blessing. I remember that temporary loss but I also remember the feeling of victory as we brought home our newest treasure. I remember the days I would sit thinking about how I was going to help raise up my little brother and how proud I was to hear, "He is perfect!" and "I'm amazed at his life! What a miracle!"
I also remember the day I found out that my little treasure, my living miracle, wasn't "perfect" anymore. I feared the worst when my parents didn't answer my texts after promising me they would. I remember how that Wednesday was one of the hardest of my life. Something was lost.
Going through the process of grieving a "dream" can be very similar to grieving a person. Because you are. You just don't fully know this "person" yet, and finding you never will is devastating. I can't imagine how parents go through loss with all their children. Living through the loss of their child's purity, through the loss of innocence, the loss of trust, the loss of control. Because I see it all the same. But I have never gone through such loss with something so little that I cared so much about.
When you give up so much to fight for what you believe in, you imagine a fairy tale ending. Fighting for a, by scientific terms, fetus's life and fighting for the right to say he is a child of God even though he is practically "unborn" is something not every sister thinks she will go through. You don't imagine yourself as a temporary mom as a fifteen year old. You don't think that will happen.
It's just going to be SO HARD for him.
Finding out that life just isn't fair is one of the hardest things of all.
Even though we don't have all the answers yet, it's hard to realize some things. 1. I can't play peekaboo with my brother. 2. He will never see me smiling at him. 3. He won't be able to play sports. 4. He won't be able to see a sunset. 5. He can't see me perform in one of my musicals/plays 6. He will have a harder time playing an instrument. 7. I can't show him a picture of his brother at college. 8. I won't be able to color with him. 9. We can't play hide and go seek. 10. His life, which already wasn't easy since the moment he was born, will be so much harder.
My heart literally aches.
How do you go on with life after something like this? Dear friends, please don't make "retard" jokes, you have no idea. Dear Facebook, stop posting things about abortion, you have no idea.
How do you move on?
You move on with the peace of knowing that this IS perfect. 1. Victor will love music! 2. He can hear me sing 3. He may be the best Christian! The boy won't have to worry about believing in the unseen. His whole life will be him living by faith everyday of the unseen! 4. He can reach so many more people that I will ever be able to. 5. He survived so much in his first six months of life and he can PROVE that he still is a child of the most powerful.
What a testimony this boy will have.
Who am I to doubt the overall plan on this boys life? How can I go on? I can know that through all of this trial, there is so much more than anyone can see yet.
What can I see?
I see a beautiful boy, whom I adore and can't wait to see grow up. I see a family keeping to their calling with adoption and caring for the ignored and left behind. I see parents who instead of growing apart through so much separation and pain, have become stronger in Christ. I see grandparents who didn't "sign up for this" maybe being one of the greatest examples to us all! I see an "imperfect" family, not caring about their insanity and lack of perfection, but moving on and using what they have.
Most importantly? I see that it doesn't matter what I can see or what I cannot see. I just have to love by faith.
How do you live through loss? Faith in the unseen, faith in the plan, and faith in the one who made it so.